Christians are to save sex until marriage and are to keep it there. (Genesis 2:24; 1 Corinthians 6:12-20)
And fantasizing about sex outside of marriage is the same heart condition as engaging in it. (Matthew 5:27-28)
These sound like some pretty strict “thou shalt not’s!” It’s very important that we understand why God gave us these commands, as it wasn’t just to ruin our fun. In a nutshell, sex is potent and volatile. Our world has duped us into believing it’s only about body parts and impulses, but we all know it involves much more intimacy and vulnerability than that. Deception is played, hearts are broken and selfishness runs rampant. Instead of looking at another person as a human being, we’ve been conditioned to see them as objects to be used for our consumption and then discarded.
This is a problem.
Can we thank God for a moment that He didn’t create us to see other human being as objects to be consumed and discarded? Instead, we are to see the value and dignity in each person and are to reserve the act of sex to be the ultimate display of that value. It’s telling someone they value so much they can give all of themselves to you and trust you with it; for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. Sex is designed to have the supporting ingredients of trust, lifetime commitment and fidelity for it to work right in the rest of the recipe. Our world has removed sex from the recipe and sold it on its own. It’s no wonder our heads hurt and our stomachs ache.
God is calling us to submit to his design that sex is a one flesh relationship between a man and a woman for a lifetime, sealed under an unbreakable covenant called marriage. All of one person (all the good, and all the bad), joining all of another person (all their good, and all their bad), to form one new flesh. Full, whole, and secure.
But unfortunately it’s not that easy.
The “why” is very important to understand so it can be embraced, but the “how” to actually pull this off can be more elusive than catching a greased pig.
We’re talking lust, porn, romance novels, and fantasy, let alone the actual acts of premarital and extramarital sex. If someone had a pill a Christian could take where all their sexual energy would become targeted at their spouse alone and if single, would lay dormant until marriage, that person would be a very wealthy individual. But no such pill exists.
The “how” has everything to do with why we go running after sexual sin in the first place. It’s not the body parts we’re after, or even the biological rush, it’s the validation, acceptance and approval. When we learn we have these things in infinite measure in who we are in Jesus, we will no longer have the hunger and thirst to have to go chasing them elsewhere. This goes for those married and single and any and all sexual orientation trying to live according to God’s design for biblical sexuality. You can be in a terrible marriage and be filled on Jesus’s acceptance, validation and approval of who you are in him. You can be in what feels like a barren desert of unwanted singleness and be filled with the same satisfying contentment. And being filled on this is like nothing else offered. It satisfies with a truth that is more real than any and all of the lies the world or Satan can throw our way.
If you’d rather listen to these sermons in an audio podcast, check out the Crossroads Church sermon podcast on PodBean or iTunes.
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He is:
Author of Beyond the Battle: A man's guide to his identity in Christ in an oversexualized world
Host of the The Flip Side Podcast
Join an online men's small group led by Noah and team at BeyondTheBattle.net
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Great post, Noah! Thought-provoking …
Thanks Jim!
Thanks for being willing to talk about this subject in a straightforward, clear way. We need more of that.
You’re welcome Lois! Thank you for that encouragement! My prayer is that our culture, or at least our Christian culture, will have finally hit ‘rock bottom’ of trying to live out sexuality on our own terms and will finally make it a priority to be teaching, preaching and getting real about providing real help to both single and married people on how to live according to God’s design for sex. Come on Church, stop just talking about fluff and talk about real issues that are strangling people! 🙂
“When we learn we have these things in infinite measure in who we are in Jesus, we will no longer have the hunger and thirst to have to go chasing them elsewhere.”
The impulse for sexual fulfillment sometimes feels like an overwhelming need, only something more powerful and pleasurable can replace that need and win the heart. “Who we are in Jesus” is able to do that and more when Christ is the reality we live. You could write about this in all your posts for the rest of this year – and next – and still just touch the surface of the riches we have in Jesus. I can’t get enough of this Noah.
This is the NUMBER ONE thing that has motivated me to spend daily time with Jesus, soaking in the truths of Scripture into my life. So life-changing / soul-changing for me. Without the pull toward these sins, I’d never have the desperation to spend that intentional time with Jesus.
That pull has made me realize the truth of Romans 7, that sin dwells within and that in my flesh is no good thing. Still does. But that desperation to be delivered leads me to Jesus and makes me realize there’s no condemnation in Christ. When I stop connecting with God in Christ, always I’ll eventually start looking other places and the pull’s always there to take me there. I’m not gonna say I’m thankful for the pull but I’m grateful that God can use even that to lead me to Jesus.
I know exactly what you mean. I can’t say I’m thankful for the pull in my toward sexual sin, but I can definitely say it reveals my emptiness (that I’m hungry for something), and in my hunger forces me to desperately seek my Savior, who then fills me up. Something I probably wouldn’t ever seek if not for the initial pull.
Thanks for so fearlessly tackling a difficult subject. Your posts have been helpful to me and Adam and will be even more useful in the future as we raise our boys.
You’re welcome Meg! Thank you for that encouragement!
Very thoughtful, very helpful. Thanks for consistently and faithfully teaching and preaching the Word. When is the above not relevant to almost every male in every generation at almost any moment throughout their life? It’s a good reminder to seek the Lord out as our treasure and to honor him in all aspects of our being…thanks Noah!
You’re welcome Mark, thank you! Growing up in church, I kept wondering “am the only one who struggles with this???” because it was never talked about. It turns out, almost every guy on the planet struggles with this stuff to one degree or another so why aren’t we talking about it more?