I hate my depression.
But I’m thankful for it.
While not always related, anxiety and depression usually go hand in hand like onion breath and flatulence. I get anxious over the things I want to control but can’t, then get depressed whenever things feel out of control.
There are a million hits on Google if you search for “ways to get rid of anxiety and depression.” If you’re a Christian, there are even more. Many of these are good and need to be explored; I have and will continue to. But for many, anxiety and depression never really go away. They go to sleep, sometimes for a good while. But then they wake up jumping on your face, pulling out your hair and blowing sirens in your ears.
Depression feels like an anvil on my chest and five or six wet blankets draped over my brain. It typically can’t be prayed away, willed away or Bible-versed away. But what I can do is be thankful for it.
The Bible tells me that when I am weak is actually when I am strong.
You see, at the root of my anxiety and depression issues is control. I want to be in control, I think I am in control and I don’t know how to let go of control. I really don’t. If I did, I would. I would a million times over. I’d give complete control to God who is All-Powerful, Sovereign, and All-Loving and then I would rest in him. Like an inner tube floating down the lazy river.
Great sermon. But it simply isn’t that easy for those like me who have been blessed with depression.
What God has done is used depression to break me.
To make me weak.
To make me dependent on him.
It’s really the inevitable consequence for someone who otherwise might truly feel like he never really needed God for anything because he had it all covered himself.
When I get anxious, it turns my attention to worship God for being stronger than me; for being able to handle it when I can’t. For being in control, even though it doesn’t feel like He is and I feel so out of control. For him being bigger than me, offering a bigger story than mine, and being the Alpha to the Omega (always has been, always will be). For him loving me as his son and pouring his grace and love out on me, in spite of all of my issues. This doesn’t make my anxiety go away, but it does truly make me in awe of God, which is a miracle in and of itself.
We often want God to do miracles, like removing our anxiety and depression.
But let’s make sure not to miss the miracles he can use our anxiety and depression to accomplish. To make an arrogant, prideful, egotistical person like me dependent on God instead of on myself is a miracle.
So I’ll make another cup of coffee and thank God that his plan isn’t dependent on me, because I’m way too broken and messed up to be counted on for that. I’ll worship him that it’s dependent on him. I’ll depend on him because I’m too anxious to depend on any of the things I’m depressed about.
When I puff out my chest and do it myself, I am so weak.
But when I curl into a ball and nuzzle into my Savior’s arms of grace, it’s a whole different story…
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
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Noah, -: a fellow sufferer of anxiety and depression (AND ADD to boot- a huge reason for both my anxiety and depression) , and as someone who has finally reached out for professional help, I just want to lend my support and solidarity to you. I have beaten myself up for years thinking I’m just not a good Christian because I can’t beat it with prayer and desperate pleas to God. Turns out, my brain wiring is just different. I’m now on meds for my ADD for the first time in my life and I feel like the world final makes sense. Sitting down and reading my Bible and doing a study is not a horrible struggle. I’ve even found that my anxiety and depression has eased considerably. I just started reading a book called “Thisbis Your Brain on Joy”, by Dr. Earl Henslin. It’s mind blowing!!!! I high recommend it. Even if you read the first five or six pages, you will be incredibly encouraged. Love ya dude!
Thank you Elizabeth! Your comment is very encouraging to me. And that book sounds awesome, thank you. I really appreciate the solidarity. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs with my depression; it was around 8 years ago when I started going to counseling and got diagnosed and soon after that I started taking medication. There are seasons when I’m symptom free for a very long time, and then times like now when it is pretty continual (and for no apparent reason). It’s easier to deal with when I can locate the stimulus causing it. Right now it’s just a grind.
Thank you for the encouragement and the book recommendation!
Sir Noah 🙂 Good day , I would like to thank you for sharing your experience and sharing God’s words, it really helps 🙂 ,, I’m Fhrajel Caga 19 years old, i can relate your story. My life has never been disturbed since the last 17 years of my existence, however when I’m about to turn into 18 years old I suffered in a mild depression due to pressure in my studies and love break ups and I believe it gets worst, there are days that I feel that my world is going to end and it feels like I cannot tell anyone, my friends and even my family, I feel that moment that this is it the end of my life and for some reason something guides me to open the bible and when I open the page randomly it show the verse that says the Lord’s prayer (Our Father who art in heaven hallowed be your name thy kingdom come thy will be done on heart as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us and lead us not into temptation but deliever us from evil.) Amen , after praying that in not less than a minute the depression fleed away . thanks God 🙂
Hey Noah, prayers for you man as you battle this. Your testimony of turning the struggle into praise reminds me of 2 Corinthians, “…afflicted but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair…always bearing in the body the dying of Jesus so that the life of Jesus can be manifest.” It’s a huge encouragement. On this journey I’ve known this soul crushing weight that can discourage the life out of you as a result of other things, but it’s not the assault you’re writing about. I had a friend, a pastor’s wife, the real deal in Christ who suffered this for years. Altho she sought and got help, one Sunday it just overwhelmed her and she shot herself in the head. That you praise as your answer to pressure is life giving, but if it’s all the same to you, I’ll pray for you man.
Too often I can’t see what God’s doing in the suffering he leads into when I’m in the middle of it. The gospel promises that in Christ we can draw near and enter into the reality of the presence of God. But with it is also the gospel promise that if we follow Jesus, the end goal is losing our self, that that life will be utterly lost, that “what you sow only comes to life if it dies.” Knowing him and the power of his resurrection only comes thru entering the fellowship of his sufferings.
When things battle within and I can’t seem to shake that thing in me that offends God and God feels absent, the good news of that gospel often escapes me. When the pain of my heart screwing up and feeling like the ground has given way and going on with God is feeling like a dead end, it’s hard to see that the difficulties God leads me into are his mercy to me. But I’ve found that all that I lack and my repeated failures have only made me know that it’s only grace that will get me home, not how well I do. My heart’s set on going on with God regardless, even when my heart prayer, “I want to be like Jesus” is less like a battle cry and more just a cry, “deliver me.” On this road with Jesus that he said would be narrow and hard, you gotta keep going, not because it’s easy but because it’s blessed, it’s how we become like Jesus. Walking this road in Christ takes faith that I need grace for. I’m just glad that God’s grace enables my faith rather than depends on it.
Thank you for praying for me Alan, I really appreciate it! One very cool thing God has shown me this past week is my own powerlessness and with that, the incredible opportunity that prayer is. That prayer is really putting my powerlessness before God and saying “I can’t do it, you do it.” For my depression, but then also for all the things I set out to do in ministry. I’ve struggled with a steady intercessory prayer life for a long time and feel very rejuvenated by seeing this truth with clarity.
That is cool. I think half the battle on this journey is learning “I can’t do that” so that “you do it” is really genuine. It’s like Jesus’ “apart from me you can do nothing.” All my struggling and restlessness over stuff just betrays the reality that I’m not there yet. But maybe that’s part of learning what it means to take up the cross, that at the end of struggling when finally letting things go to God, it’ll be real moment-by-moment living faith. For me, maybe the most awesome thing about Jesus being in the world was that he never did or say anything on his own, everything was out from the Father. How sweet would it be to be utterly committed like that?
My prayer life for others ebbs and flows. When it’s steady it’s a real blessing. I’ve had seasons of praying full on for persecuted brothers and sisters and there’s no greater happiness than when you’ve carried them in prayer and something good happens to them. There’s nothing better than getting that email or call that they’ve been released from prison or been reunited with family or were vindicated in persecution or any number of ways God is glorified in them. Hey man, right now in Pakistan, there’s a woman named Asia Bibi who’s waiting for the final appeal of her death sentence before the Pakistan Supreme Court. She’s been in prison for over 7 years. She was convicted of blasphemy for saying words to effect of, “My Jesus is living and died to save me, what has Mohammed done for you?” to coworkers in an argument. A Christian national cabinet member and a moderate Muslim state governor were assassinated for speaking up for her. Thousands of Muslims have marched calling for her death. There’s a bounty on her head in prison. Her husband and daughters are in hiding. And yet she has faith today that God is able to release her from prison. If we can’t pray for an Asia Bibi, who will we pray for? Speaking of, VOM sent copies of this year’s IDOP video about a family who went as missionaries to Afghanistan and only the mother made it home. I’m sending you a copy; use as you see fit.
Thanks a lot Alan; pray that God will continue to teach me this freeing truth (that he’ll continue to allow me to learn it and really internalize it). I’m very thankful for the progress I’ve made and want that to continue!
And I will definitely pray for Asia Bibi specifically and for all of Pakistan! Come Lord Jesus!
Thanks for writing this post. I’m a Christian but sometimes struggle with this. My head feels like it’s being pulled down into my gut and life’s in slo-mo and it’s passing by and I see it but am unable to join in and all of life seems like a very small space. Maybe it’s because I’m a Christian but I feel guilty that I’ve brought it on myself, that I’ve sinned somehow, and that Christians aren’t supposed to feel this way. When you’re already feeling broken, it’s hard sometimes to be thankful that the broken pieces are being pulverized when all you’re hoping for is for some of the broken pieces to start being put back together.
Sorry for being negative. I’ve experienced the love of God and know Jesus cares what happens to me. I don’t always understand God’s ways and how He’s accomplishing things in me but I believe Philippians 2: “work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you both to will and to work for his good pleasure.”
And in the depths, Psalm 34 helps: “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I hate that this life is just a struggle sometimes but love when God comes close and saves, Praise God, and thanks for the struggle.
Thank you for your comment fellow pilgrim, I can definitely relate. I’ve found it very freeing, and I hope you can experience this truth as well, to know that my depression is not a result of my sin, and yours isn’t a result of yours. It really is the equivalent of a broken leg. If your leg is broken, it’s going to hurt. That’s just a biological reality. Something’s goofed up in my brain chemistry that makes me respond this way. I find a lot of freedom in that.
And I love the Psalms! I read them as the primary dish in my personal time with the Lord. So many of them speak right to the heart of depression. There are so many good ones, but Psalm 86, 131 and 103 come to mind.
I’ve always figured what I’m going thru is a spiritual challenge more than a medical one. To be honest, I don’t trust head docs and haven’t seen any about this. About 10 years ago I had trouble concentrating, enough to affect my work life. My doc sent me to a head doc who diagnosed ADD and gave me Adderall and when it wasn’t doing much, he kept upping the dose until I was taking about 100mg a day. I lost over 40 lbs in less than 2 months and my ears, hands and nose would turn bright red, and when stressed I’d chew my tongue raw. Smartest thing I ever did was to toss the Adderall. I just don’t trust head docs now and hate/fear the idea of meds.
Plus, what’s happening has the feel of ‘Satan wants to sift you like wheat.’ It’s not just feeling super pressed down, over the last year I regularly can’t sleep thru the nite and get these crazy thoughts/suggestions to hurt myself that are from left field and just foreign to me. I don’t think it’s brain chemistry. What I’ve found helps is spiritual, turning to God and praying and reading the Bible and feeding on Jesus. Those days when I don’t have anything to get going, having faith in the promise in Romans 8 that the Spirit gives life to this mortal body has really made the difference for the day. But it is a struggle, some nights seeing the dawn is like being reborn. Oh man, the Psalms. For helping the heart, maybe even more than the New Testament the Psalms have been my main go to.
I’ve heard from others who have had similar negative experiences with doctors who just throw medicine at them. I’ve personally never been to a psychiatrist; I’m very thankful for the family doctor we have. He’s a Christian and understands the spiritual and mental side of it. I think it’s a both/and not an either/or. I think it’s important not to throw the baby out with the bathwater and make it all of one and none of the other. But the truth is, many psychiatrists and family doctors are guilty of just throwing medicine at people without ever getting to the root of the problem. Getting to the root of the problem has helped me grow spiritually SO MUCH and I”m so thankful for it, but am still left with several physical symptoms that come and go.
I’m no Scientologost but if the baby’s on meds, I’m taking the bathwater and flushing the meds out of the baby. jk, there’s a place for drugs but there’s also a place where the Spirit gives health to broken bodies and minds. imo we jump too quickly to the meds but I get what you’re saying
And I follow you as well, we do jump too quickly on meds. I think 2nd, 3rd and even 4th opinions are important when it comes to mental health stuff for that exact reason.
I, too, have struggled with a sort of background, low-grade depression seemingly my whole life. I don’t ever remember feeling happy, even as a kid. As a Christian, I feel guilty about that, because we are supposed to be experiencing joy and life to the full, but I can’t claim that as a reality for me. Thanks for this article, it helps to not feel alone in this …
Thanks a lot for sharing that Jim. The low-grade stuff is some of the hardest for me to deal with because it’s so stealth. I would encourage you to let it draw you to God’s power and depending on him, as it has done for me. Which is easier said than done obviously, but I encourage you in that and will pray for you in that!
Last comment. . . I don’t know if you’ve heard this song by Kristene Dimarco called “It is Well” but I listen to it and it changes the conversation in my heart and soul, and makes the rough times smoother.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNqo4Un2uZI